Things I did not know about Brazil Nuts
by Looselybasedon
Summary: A silly story set after the Fall in which Greg Lestrade invites Mrs Hudson and John Watson to join him at the local pub for quiz night. As the evening unfolds an unexpected hero arises , Mrs Hudson gets a first name which is just going to make things more confusing, and the man behind the jukebox gets seriously miffed.  One Shot . Please see notes.


There were a number of ways Sherlock had imagined his homecoming going - he'd worked out the probabilities and the chances that John and/or Mrs Hudson would punch him in the face were really quite high. And having to explain himself , talk about feelings and dear god apologise were practically a forgone conclusion. Sherlock had considered all the possibilities . All except this one . He opened the door to the Baker Street flat, called out and no-one was surprised , startled, angry or happy to see him . Because no-one was there. Sherlock was, of course, the world's greatest detective, plus he knew exactly where to look for anyone who was missing now he was back in England . He spun himself round sharply on his heels and went to the local pub.

It was quiz night at the Creeping Man and the Baker Street Irregulars were on fire . Sally Hudson was covering pop trivia 1950 to 1980s, children's TV and anything film related , Greg Lestrade was on sport, modern literature ( What ? I like to read! I studied English at college, alright?) and obviously, crime. John had medicine , current events and world history ( Britain invaded it ) and late addition to the team Anderson replacing Stamford, was on Science, geography and was turning out to be surprisingly handy in most other areas.

'Bloody hell ,' Greg muttered under his breath into John's ear. 'Did you know that about Brazil Nuts ? '  
John sipped his beer.' I bet Sherlock didn't even know that about brazil nuts - Anderson's a mine of weird information.'  
'Well, I knew he was clever . I didn't hire him for his looks you know , but just wow. He's in danger of becoming my new favourite brainaic despite ...you know ... his personality '  
'I suppose we have put up with worse' John conceded. The two men sniggered.  
Two tables over and hided behind the jukebox Sherlock Holmes continued lip-reading their conversation and seethed.  
The Question Master a man in a dinner jack which had seen better days waggled his eyebrows at Sally Hudson , who blushed girlishly with two rosy spots high on her cheek bones and looked away.

'Is that your final answer?' he crooned at her in a rich mid country accent.  
Sally nodded primly.  
The man smiled 'Correct, the answer was Half Man half biscuit from their 1985 album Back in the DHSS '  
'Yes' hissed Greg Lestrade , and John Watson leant over and kissed his landlady's cheek.  
'You've got it, Mrs H ' he said affectionately . Sherlock rolled his eyes .  
'Right' said the Question Master ,' thinking heads on, my dears. Irregulars if you get this right you'll be drawn with The Sign of Four .'

Immediate the Irregulars looked determined and solemn , The Sign of Four had been pub quiz champions at the Creeping man for the last five years , and tonight the Baker Street Irregulars were going to take them down. Lestrade looked at his little team . We need this he thought . It had been Lestrade's idea to enter the pub quiz all those weeks ago. John and Sally had needed something to get them out of Baker Street , something fun and working their way through the quiz league to their current high point as contenders from the Sign of Four's crown, had been just the thing. Lestrade had a good feeling about this. Sally was flirting gently with their quiz master , John had even made a joking reference to Sherlock without choking up and wonder of wonders insufferable Anderson , who Lestrade had only asked as a last minute substitute was actually turning out to be a half way decent human being . And now the Quiz Master was speaking again.

'What is the longest animal in the world?'  
The sign of four team captain hit the buzzer  
'Lion Mane Jellyfish ! their captain shouted sensing victory.  
'Challenge' roared back Anderson rising from his seat to wave wildly ' the answer is obviously, Bootlace Worm'  
The Quiz Master mopped his brow comically with a large spotted handkerchief . The pub audience tittered and Sherlock glowered.

' Well played, Irregulars ! ' Their host said ' the answer is indeed the Bootlace Worm.'  
The audience clapped , someone from the back whistled and The Sign of Four glared darkly at Anderson.  
'Great work Anderson !' Lestrade slapped the man's back .  
'That was amazing ' John added .  
Anderson smiled smugly and dipped his head modestly to accept the praise. A red mist descended on Sherlock- John had no right to be calling anyone else amazing especially not Anderson of all people. John was suppose to call him amazing and remarkable. It was their 'thing' and Sherlock liked it that way.

'So Laddles and Jelly spoons' said the Quiz Master falling over his words in his excitement 'here we are in sudden death. This question will decide if The Sign of Four remain undefeated champions for another year or if The Baker Street Irregulars steal their crown so with out further ado, what is the triple point of water ?

Anderson's hand was on the buzzer faster than John could think  
'Yes ?' yelled the quiz master his finger pointing at Anderson  
'The triple point of water is zero degrees Celsius ' Anderson shouted with the confidence of a prophet delivered the word of God .

All eyes turned to the quiz master , who milked the tension of the moment , and then there was a small lift at the corners of his mouth and the team knew he was going to say correct . Victory was theirs! There was a disturbance from the crowd behind them. And a voice , instantly recognizable snarled out

'Anderson you fool! Everyone knows that the triple point of water is in fact 0.01 degrees Celsius'  
There was a moment of dramatic silence and then all hell broke loose.  
'Sherlock !' howled Mrs Hudson and burst into tears .  
John stood, turned, eyes wide and a look of incomparable joy blooming across his face.  
The question master looked at his card; the Sign of Four scrambled to check their i-phones and then passed one along to the quiz master.

'Well' he said to the babbling audience ' its seems that we are indebted to this young man. The answer I have on the card is zero degree C but a quick search of the internet confirms that the young man is right ! Sign of Four wins and holds on to their title!'

In all the scenarios Sherlock Holmes imaged for his home coming , it never once occurred to him that even as John rushed toward him, arms out stretched to welcome him home and Mrs Hudson grabbed for his hand , that Anderson would be the one to get to him first .

'You utter bastard .' The man yelled his face transformed into a grimace of pure hate ' Do you know how hard I worked to getting on this fucking team? '

He pushed past John and Mrs Hudson furiously and Sherlock was surprised to note that although he'd been right about get punched in the face he'd just been totally wrong about who would be doing it .

'Well it's always something' Sherlock thought to himself as he felt his nose break.

Notes

The explanation of why this happened is probably going to be longer than the story. Redhead and I were talking about Sherlock and wondering if Mrs Hudson had a first name. I didn't think we have ever been told it , so we batted back and forth some suggestions. Then we remembered that Una Stubbs had been the star and main love interest in a ITV children's TV series called Worzel Gummidge. She played a character called Aunt Sally so clearly Sally was the obvious solution. Redhead then challenged me to write a Worzel Gummidge/Sherlock cross over . As a brief note for everyone not British and who did not catch this ground breaking show - Worzel Gummidge was the everyday story of a scarecrow , who as hopelessly in love with a fair ground mannequin . His 'super' power was his ability to change his head for an array of vegetables. Beside Una Stubbs there is no obvious connection to the adventures of Sherlock Holmes unless you go (via Dr Who ).

Co-incidentally Kerlyssa contacted me after reading another story of mine , called Saving John . In this story Mycroft and John fool Sherlock into believing that they might be either friends or dating in order to get Sherlock to come out of hiding after the Fall. Kerlyssa commented ', if this doesn't work, they'll have to set him up with Anderson and prepare a cover story for the murder.'. Such a wicked little idea.

So for the Redhead and Kerlyssa this is the 'Sherlock gets jealous of John's admiration for Anderson , guest starring Worzel Gummidge' story that no-one ever knew they wanted. Also a minor tribute to QI.


End file.
